SISTERS IN CRIME

12.26.2005

Scenes of Christmas

"What's she doing?"

"I don't know."

"Are those vitamins?"

"Maybe... Hey Grandma, what are you leaving beside everyone's plate?"

"Beano."

12.07.2005

The Guys' Rules

Aaron said this is the relationship Bible; read it, memorize it, love it, live it.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear"the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine .Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. When you ask us where we want to eat and we say "whatever", we actually MEAN "whatever". Food is food, quit trying to complicate things and say where you really want to go.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

12.01.2005

And now, for your reading pleasure...

Ok, so if I haven't totally cut myself off from everyone and ya'll actually read this, I would like to relay to you the story of how I nearly drowndeded our house:

Upon arrival in "the SC" (yeah, stop laughing), we discovered that our water tastes like butt. We got the obligatory tap-mounted water filter and thought we were done. Not 'zactly. Our water was yummy, but as soon as our ice started melting we tasted butt again.

So after our aimless complaints to the water gods got us no results, I set out to take matters into my own hands: obtain and install an ice-maker filtration device.

On trip #1 to Lowes, I found a small assortment of filters that were all basically the same, with the most expensive touting the best water quality (no such thing as cheap and good, right?). All of them proclaimed, "Fast, easy installation", and "All necessary parts included."

"Perfect!" I thought, "I'm 15 minutes away from muy frio delicioso". Actually, I was 15 minutes from home. When I got home I thought again, "ok, 15 minutes and it's Ice, Ice Baby!". Yeah, not so much.

First, let me clarify that the instructions were written by a completely sadistic madman, assisted by at least one imbecile ghost writer. "Let's see, list of tools required... one adjustable wrench, check, one Phillips screwdriver, check, one pair of tube cutters (for cutting copper tube), check. Ok, guess I'm all set".

In no time flat I've mounted the unit to the wall, unplugged the water line to the fridge, tightened the fittings on the filter and grabbed the cutters. "Ok, for this step I'm supposed to cut the copper line from the wall to the fridge... but my line isn't copper... it's vinyl hose. Oh well, no matter, that's probably because we're in a new house." ::Snip:: "Ok, next step. Insert the tube end into the inlet coupling on the filter. Umm, wait, this hose won't fit in there. Where's the adapter? No adapter?!"

On trip #2 to Lowes, I walked in with the whole unit and my now-severed hose. I returned the filter and explained to the clerk that, no, I didn't buy the hose from them, but it was their product that led to it's unnecessary demise, so I wanted a replacement.

Have you ever been looked at like you just said the most absurd thing in all creation?

I went to the plumbing section and explained the problem to the worker, who was as stumped as me, but determined to "help" me. I was given the same filter kit, and a brass fitting to adapt my hose to the appropriate size for the inlet coupling. "This just might work", I thought.

Call me Gulli-Bull. Yeah, when that was connected, I quickly realized that I had bypassed the fridge's water stop/start device, thereby quickly flooding the freezer unit until it began to leak out the door. I realized that I just needed to reattach the severed end of the hose, plug it back in, then cut the other hose coming from the fridge to the freezer.

Yeah, so on trip #3, I also got some extra line and a coupling just in case. ::Snip:: "Aha! Success! All lines are busy now! We're ready to get fridgerific." Rolled the fridge back to the wall and retired to the TV room.

It was about 2 hours later that I went out to put up the dogs for the night that I heard little Niagara in our kitchen. It was one of those horrific, delayed reaction, like "oh, what the H, that can't possibly be what I think it... oh, my dear LORD!" kinda things. Yep, don't ever try to repair a severed refrigerator water line. That poor brass connector that "will never come out", popped loose like a button on a fat man's pants. There was water all over the wall, cabinets, stove, floor and little old me, who was straining frantically to slide the thing out on a wet vinyl floor in bare feet. Tell you what, I'd pay to see that but right now I'm still a little miffed about it.

So trip #4 was to... guess what? BUY a replacement water hose. Got home, plugged in, left alone, no worky. Left alone more, still no worky. So what does this teach us? Four trips to Lowes is necessary for any simple project and dulls your observational skills to the point to where you FORGET TO TURN ON THE FILTER VALVE THAT YOU JUST INSTALLED!!

We're muy frio now. The ice is delicious.